It's scary that they exist, isn't it
From: "João Batista" [email protected] Some time ago a piece of paper was posted around here where I study saying something like this: "Theory is when you know how it works but it still doesn't. Practice is when it works but you don't know why. In this Department [Physics], theory and practice are joined together: nothing works and no one knows why!"
From: BT Tymnet Q: What is the definition of a tachyon? A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry.
From [email protected] Tue Jun 22 23:04:00 1999 Matter is fundamentally lazy:- It always takes the path of least effort Matter is fundamentally stupid:- It tries every other path first. That is the heart of physics - The rest is details. Robert
From: "Chris Giauque" [email protected] One of the buildings in the university I attend has a large Focault's pendulum in the lobby. Someone has attached a sign to its cable that says, "Warning - Stay away from cable. 18,000 ohms."
AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER 60F 15C 289K Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50F 10C 283K Miami residents turn on the heat (if they have a heating system)
40F 4C 277K * You can see your breath * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans go swimming
35F 2C 275K Italian cars don't start
32F 0C 273K Water freezes
30F -1C 272K * You plan your vacation to Australia * Minnesotans put on T-shirts * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless * British cars don't start * Your boogers freeze
25F -4C 269K * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Minnesotans eat ice cream * Canadians go swimming
20F -7C 266K * You can hear your breath * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * New York City water freezes * Miami residents plan vacation further south
15F -9C 264K * French cars don't start * You plan a vacation in Mexico * Cat insists on sleeping in bed with you
10F -12C 261K * Too cold to ski * You need jumper cables to get the car going
5F -15C 258K * You plan your vacation in Houston * American cars don't start
0F -18C 255K * Alaskans put on T-shirts * Too cold to skate
-10F -23C 250K * German cars don't start * Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15F -26C 247K * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Arkansas stick tongue on metal objects * Miami residents cease to exist
-20F -29C 244K * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof * Japanese cars don't start
-25F -32C 241K * Too cold to think * You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30F -34C 239K * You plan a two week hot bath * The Mighty Mongahela freezes * Sweedish cars don't start
-40F -40C 233K * Californians disappear * Minnesotan button top button * Canadians put on sweaters * Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50F -46C 237K * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80F -62C 211K * Hell freezes over * Polar bears move south
On the heater lies a tile. The teacher asks: "Why does the the tile warmer at the side that lies at the far side of the heater?". The student stammers :"Eh, maybe because of the heat conduction and so?" Teacher: "No, because I just turned it around."
From: [email protected] (Hanspeter Schmid) At the physics exam: 'Describe the universe (max. 200 words) and give three examples.'
From: [email protected] (Gary Gendel) Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction. My physics final came at the time when there was a debate whether to allow calculators in the exams. The Physics department was the first to decide in favor of allowing them, the 3 hour exam had one question:
Describe the universe, if Planck's constant were equal to 1.
A promising PhD candidate was presenting his thesis at his final examination. He proceeded with a derivation and ended up with something like:
F = -MA
He was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed, and the rest of the committee was embarrassed. The student coughed nervously and said "I seem to have made a slight error back there somewhere."
One of the mathematicians on the committee replied dryly, "Either that or an odd number of them!"
A Physicist is explaining a picture: "Of course, these are false colours, the red is really yellow, the green is really blue and the white is really brown."
T that identify the author as Stanislaw Ulam, often via Gleick's 1987 book Chaos. I don't know for sure.)
From [email protected] Thu Nov 24 15:19:01 1994 From: "Jean-Maurice Tellenbach" [email protected] The second world war is the best demonstration of relativity...
The high energy density variations of vacuum are mainly produced within brains.
The Physicist : "The positron will be dramatically modified by meeting an electron" The President : "You said ... position and ... election ??"
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
From:[email protected] (Paul Raymond "OZZY" Brown) Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates [email protected] As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
